Improve your relationships by changing your expectations

One thing I often did when I was younger is put the people in my life on a pedestal, whether it was friendships or a romantic relationship. I had unrealistic expectations, and it was making me view people in a negative light. What I didn’t realize is that I had the power to change that. You can improve your relationships, by changing your expectations!

As I got older, I recognized how flawed I was and that I often messed up, and hurt the people that I cared about. I have betrayed the trust of friends and I have let down people that were counting on me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t give people permission to treat me poorly or vice versa. What I am saying is that it’s our fleshly human nature, to fail. As long as we live on this earth, we will hurt the people we care about, whether it is in big ways or small ways, even if it’s not intentional. We must understand that our friends, our siblings, our spouse, our boss and our parents are only human.

Expect that the people that love you, will occasionally mess up. You only need to look at yourself to know that everyone makes mistakes, so try to have grace and understanding for the people in your life. If you don’t you will begin to adopt the ever popular “everyone is a hypocrite” attitude, and it’s a dangerous one. Especially, with the rise of cancel culture. That attitude will bias your view on every relationship you have and soon you will only be focusing on the betrayals and disappointments, which will leave you feeling isolated and alone. Leave room for the people in your life, to disappoint you sometimes.

Expect to be judged, and sometimes that’s okay

Snap judgements: we are all guilty of it. It could be a first impression, or something we have heard or misinterpreting something a person has shared. My favorite example is me and my best friend, when we first met, we couldn’t stand each other, now our friendship is going on 13 years! Our brains take in information and form an opinion, and sometimes we jump to conclusions. Now this can happen with people you are very close with as well. You might share something personal, that they won’t respond to as you had hoped. Or a person could have misconceptions about you, because they have a different communication style than you, and that might cause a person to misinterpret your words or actions.

So, you can expect that the people around you might be judging you, or misjudging you, but try to not let that scare you. This is an issue that can be rectified. Often people will realize that those quick opinions they formed, were wrong or misguided. The key to wading through these issues in relationships is honesty and communication. As well as always actively trying to understand the other person’s point of view.

Expect every person to have their own unique downfalls

Early in most relationships we tend to idealize and romanticize every aspect of our relationships. And as it goes you slowly start to recognize the other person’s flaws and downfalls; we all have them. Now how we handle this can change how we deal with those flaws, and conflicts that can arise. Because we love said person, in the beginning at least, we tend to glaze over their obvious flaws and make excuses, and almost pretend as if they don’t exist at all. This is true for new friendships as well as new romantic relationships. A much better approach is to take note of shortcomings, and to deal with them head on. Try to avoid romanticizing them and to expect flaws and issues to magically disappear. If you desire to improve your relationships, Love isn’t enough. You have to put in work, so expect to work for it.

Anything worthwhile in your life will require work, and relationships are work, especially the good ones. Healthy relationships will have conflict and friction, and I personally believe that this causes growth. I don’t believe true growth happens without a little discomfort. Also, by conflict I don’t mean screaming matches and silent treatments, because those things can cause the exact opposite to occur. Which is why you should make sure that the person you are investing your time in, is also willing to have hard conversations, and is mature enough to recognize when accountability and compromise are necessary.

Expect that some relationships will end

There are times when relationships might be harming you or you’re simply heading in completely opposite directions. In these situations, the right choice might be to let a relationship come to an end. It might be hard, but you aren’t just losing a person. This will give you space and energy in your life, to nurture relationships that push you, and challenge you as a person. This might be just me, but I believe if you are completely 100% stagnant and comfortable in your life, there is something wrong.

We are always meant to be growing and there is no such things as standing still. Whether this be spiritually or otherwise. You’re either moving forward or you’re falling behind as life passes you by. People that care for you, will care enough to have honest conversations and to push you forward. Relationships are an investment, and you should give without expecting a return on your investment. Because we are called to love selflessly – the relationships that are harmful to you will reveal themselves, because you will notice an imbalance.

Now, I don’t believe that relationships should be recklessly discarded just because some one failed you, or you failed some one else. If there is a good relationship that has brought you joy, and has pushed you forward in life, and taught you valuable lessons, that is where the hard conversations and work come in. That is where you put in the sweat and sometimes tears, to improve your relationships. When a relationship in your life ends, it does not mean that the relationship failed. It simply came to an end. You will always walk away with something if you’re paying attention.